To No One

Tear  pages from my book

the entire book if you must

Read every page

Trace every line

Count all the errors

Laugh at every fault

Say every word out loud

Over and over

Til you can hear them talking back

Cursing you

Saying things

You never want to hear

But there will always be

Tears you will never see

Stares you will never catch

Words you will not understand

Feelings you will never return

Screams you will not hear

Secrets you will not keep

Wounds you cannot heal

Questions you cannot answer

Pain you cannot ease

And so many things I kept hidden

For a lifetime

Or at least until I give in



To the tricks you never played

You can never play

Or never wanted to play

For if there is anything I am good at,

It is hiding

The truth

From the truth

Truth, I can falsify





That kill

For self-defense

Or is it fear?




It is the truth you would see


Down a black hole

Broken down

Into forlorn pieces

Until it is no longer there

Until it goes on



Until we forget

I will forget

And you will forget

The things we never even had

Or maybe wanted to have

But did not

Maybe I did want it

So bad

So desperate

That it consumed me

All of me

Every part

But you never did

Never did you

Want it

 Maybe we almost did

Sweet almost

Almost sweet

Sweet surrender

To a powerful Almost

As Apollo’s songs

And serenades

We can never sing

Sing together

Hear together

The perfect harmony


 Like  the girl

You dreamt about every night


Almost sweet as Ambrosia

Or as Shakespeare’s plays

Before they ended up in tragedies

It is this almost that hurts

So much


That almost

Makes people wonder

Imagine the “what if’s”

And these “what if’s”

Draw regrets

Regrets to come

And more regrets

And I wonder if you think the same

Feel the same way

About these things

But it is probably just me

Just I who

Over thinks too much

Yes, me

Perhaps I hoped too much

Or said too much

Felt too much

Endured too much

Reacted too much

Wrote too much

Dreamt too much

Too much of everything

Too much things unsound

Things inappropriate

That all I ever had was that

Whatever that was

Whatever this is

How odd of me to be

In this oddly odd situation

Too much yet

All that dwelled in me was doubt

All I saw, I see

All I felt, I feel

All I heard, I hear

All that lingers is

The bitter taste of your poison

Poison you never did have

And will never have

For again

My too much of too much

Left nothing good

For the both of us

Good to keep

Good things

Alive and good

It felt so good it hurts so badly


Genuinely bad

You were right

A hundred percent

Correct and accurate

Accurate and correct

When you used that word

A word added to stories

Happy stories

Fantastic stories

Enticing ones

Or maybe even sad ones

Stories, yes

Sad stories

Intoxicated ones

Intoxicated stories

Best, they are

Intoxicating, they are

God, I love that word

So much

Again with this so much


So much intoxication

By what?

Or by whom?


Or how severe?

How long?

Since when?

Or until when?




I hope so.

And yet there is

Another word I love


Very broken

Broken to the worst

I do understand

Only a little

Or could be less than that

Help me understand more

More of you

Just you

But I guess I cannot

And can never

Maybe you won’t let me

Maybe I can help fix you

Help figure things out

Solve some puzzles

Even little ones

Illuminate a little light

But maybe not

 I will only make this worse

Complicate things more

Make this impossible

As if they are not already

As if we still have a chance

Pretending as if the distance

Between the two us

Is not yet expanded

Into greater length

Into maximum space

As if we talk

As if our eyes meet

As if I exist in your world

Maybe for you

This is nothing

More than a second

Of a heartbeat




Or less of a blink of an eye

Less of corrupt emotions

But to me it meant everything

It still means everything

Every heartbeat

Every bit of it

Everything, I felt

I feel everything

I feel everything

I feel everything

Until now

It feels

Good and terrifying

Both at the same time

It makes me happy





All at once

For the first time

Just this first time

And possibly for the last

Only did I

Felt and feel this towards you

No one

But you


You alone


Gladly solitary

For you

 I tried to make things simple

But nothing ever is


Nothing ever is

I thought after

Admitting everything to you

It would fade and perish

Like the leaves during fall

Or like each word you thought

But did not say

Never had the guts to say

Never did ever you thought of saying

Only an idea

A figment of imagination

A spark that died a minute after it

Showed light

Perish and decay like everyone else

Die like love

Be forgotten like names you read

Or hear

But never find out whose it is

That it would just slowly disappear


For good

And never be remembered again

For the both of us

But I thought wrong

It just grew more and more into me

And now I cannot hold it back

Or control it

For now it controls me

Whatever “it” is

It controls me

You did not promise anything

I know that

And you know that


It is only I who exaggerates things

Forgive me

For I

Have been stupid

Over things so small

So obvious

I am sorry

For being like this

Whatever this is

For the drama

For lots and lots of drama

For dragging you

Into this mess

Into my world of distortions

But I am not sorry for

Loving you

Yes, Love

The L word I always hated

The odd kind

The complicated kind

Complicated like me

Like what I am now

I gave it a chance

Believe me I did

Like you told me to

But it did not give me my chance

Or will it ever

I thought it was unfair

But again

I thought wrong

As always

I can wait

I promise I can

I will wait

If there is something I am waiting for

I am not rushing things

I am only drawing

Conclusions and endings

Our endings

Be it favorable or not

For all I can do now is wait

And wait and wait and wait

For the perfect train

To take me to wonderland

To find things lovely

Lovelier than this

For something worthwhile

Or for someone else

Like you

Or you

Just wait

And write

Even though I suck at writing

I still do

Write tragic poems

Write tragic stories

Write things that do not make any sense

At all

Things unimaginable

For people who think straight

Write death

And die

But resurrect

For living tragically

Is more tragic than death

And maybe I like this tragedy

This tragedy of us

Or this tragedy of me

That I created

And will finish

If I could

If I want it to end

But for now

I do not


I know you are

And I hope you are

I hope I am too

I would

Like to be

Happy as you are

And I would like to believe

I can

Be happy

I would like to believe I am

Along with all these other emotions

Throwing happiness

Out of the silver platter

Overpowering it

Pushing it down the cliff

Of the mountains of my sentiments

Knowing it could never reach the top

The pinnacle of nice things

I think it was prophesied

Or cursed

Or destined

I do not want to know

Happy, yes

Just happy

No matter what form

Or from what

Or how

Just happy

You are more

Than what you think you are







Beautifully wise

An art, if I can say

Not a perfect one

Not an amateur one

But a masterpiece

Could be unfinished

Or unfound

But it is there

Quite there

Just take a step back

And look



You will see

Try to see

I know you know who you are

Be self-critical

But never self-destructive

Worth is it?

You are an amazing man

but you keep on calling yourself a jerk

Maybe you are a jerk

And a douche

And an outright bastard

No, not a maybe

You are a jerk

A standout jerk

But that is why I like you

Because I am too

 Normal, yes

I can be normal

But the annoying, minding

Knocks of awkwardness

Keep on breaking

Their way in to me

I just want to

Or at least I think I want to

End this pathetic feeling

To look less of an idiot

To have a bit of appreciation for myself

And not think about you

And let it pass

Let it go for clichéd fucked up feels

Wait for the moment where

We laugh at all these

At how stupid I have become

And then maybe we could be friends

Nothing more

It is not instant

To just command

Feelings to stop

Or pause

Or restart

If only my heart came

With even just one remote control

If only I chose to not feel

If only I chose to be smart

For once in my life

I have done things so horrible

Like fall in love

And keep on falling in love

And tell that person you love

That you like them

And then convince yourself

To not expect

No expectations

But end up expecting

And then hoping

And then carrying out assumptions

Faulty, devious ones

And then end dying

You can call it absurd

I am giving you

The permission to do so

Call it crazy

Call it creepy

Call it psychotic

Call it delusional

Call it deception

Call it anything you want

I know this is wrong

In all ways

This is wrong

And always will this be wrong

Wrongful to hope

And be lured by fantasies

Delving into surreal elements

Dwelling in dreams

Intruding the sweet serenity

Destroying what was calm

And possibly collected

Crashing and crawling

Burning and crying

Still, in every way

In the wrong way

Or right way

Please let me

Call it love

Photo (c)


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