Two Thousand Words On Love

We Cannot Get Enough Of Love

Perhaps by the time people learned how to write and began to be so curious about all things, the most worn-out subject is Love. Philosophers did all they can to explain the phenomenon, and the great thinkers they were, they have created outlets to where we base our own definitions for the next centuries and the present century we live in now. The funny thing is, until today, we still keep on overusing it. It remains as this unfinished business that draws blood out of our heads. There are so many written accounts encompassing Love, but the paper work seems to still appear rough and sketchy. There must have been billions of written materials tackling Love, enough for everyone to be reading, but there is just no quintessential book for it- only ripped off manuals that teach people sex positions and false lovemaking.

The thing with us people is that we are never fully contented. We like to think that it is always better to outdo ourselves and answer questions of great difficulty. Most of the time, even those that cannot be answered, we answer them pushing our thinking capacities and end up creating wrong notions. We never get tired of asking the same questions persistently. The worst part is, we keep on harnessing flawed answers. This is the same as with what we do with Love. We write about all kinds of Love- unrequited, tragic, forbidden, passionate, compassionate, philanthropic, selfish, everything and in every form. Everyone tried and is trying so hard to define and give it an exact elucidation. All of us, we believe at first that we can tame and categorize it, thus we craft stories centered upon Love; falsifying it and giving flavor to it. We call it different names. We regard it as this extraordinary, thrilling thing or a force, a deity maybe and sometimes even as one of us. Some even put it in the context of scientific studies and some agreed that it is some form of debauched sorcery. No one ever succeeded in this mission. Every time, failure has gotten the best of us. Yes, there were arguments that “almost” proved the theory, almost gave answers to all our questions with what Love is and how Love works, but almost was not good enough. The questions only kept on ballooning over and over and it is as if we know nothing about Love. There were always loopholes. There were always oppositions. Everyone tried so hard to convince themselves with the dictionary meaning of love, but that never worked and never satisfied the throbbing minds and beating hearts of humans.

Nothing ever was definite about Love. No one ever was one hundred percent sure because what love is to one person must mean something else to another. What might be a happy ending to one might be a sad curtain call to another individual.

That was just the word itself- only the technical, the writing part. We have only touched the surface and we are nowhere near scratching it. Behind the word “love” itself is a much bigger dimension. Perhaps an entire new universe that no one can ever completely explore.

Indubitably, we have already established that love is everyone’s favorite thing. Other than the written materials, the arts have always featured Love. There are sitcoms, movies, plays and series based and rooted on Love and no one ever got tired of watching and supporting them. Not to mention music, oh they love Love there.

Why Love, you say? Why not? I do not blame people if Love is all they ever want to talk about. What is keeping the world moving anyway? Is it not Love for life or for adventure and sustenance? What is the one thing, except for God, that people still can not fully explain, can not control and can not get a hold of? What is that one thing that everyone can relate to, everyone has experienced one way or another? Love. Just, Love.

Going Forever

From all the definitions and descriptions I have heard and read about love, William Shakespeare said something that I quite agreed on. Sonnet 116, the beautiful sonnet it is, talked about the consistency perpetuated in Love. Love is constant. He argued that Love should never fade if it really is true love. Through time and through all the changes, the love you have for one person must be lasting and kept alive burning in great desire and fire.

Now with this, if at first you think it is love, but end up not feeling the intensity days after or years after, and then there is a huge possibility that it was never Love at all. I do not believe in the “falling out of love” context. One cannot simply fall out of love. Imagine loving a person, sacrificing everything, spending all you have for him and you wake up one day and realize, “I am not in love anymore.” It is not that easy. Nothing ever was easy about love. Say the one you love did something very awful and undesirable, should you not accept and forgive? There are limitations in the extent of how many times people must endure and forgive, but shouldn’t Love be stronger and emerge victorious over all the conflicts? Surely, mistakes will not overthrow all you have invested together rooted in love. Should you not have known he was capable of doing those before you loved him because you should know people first before you love them? Loving means loving a person for all that he is and not only loving certain aspects you find cute in him. There is no such thing as partial or selected love. You accept the person including all his flaws and imperfections.

Just as Shakespeare believed, Love should be unwavering. You discover one bad attitude your partner beholds and in one snap you stop loving them? Absurdity.

And so forever does exist in love. It exists if and only if it is true love. People say only desperate lunatics who have watched too many Disney Princesses movies believe in it or those who have mental problems. Perhaps the people who think forever is make-belief have not found their true love yet and all there was for them were demented relationships with the wrong people. Why don’t we keep watching Cinderella leave behind her glass slippers and maybe give forever a chance?

Puppy Love and Fools Gold

If it is not Love, one might call it infatuation and I call infatuation as the fool’s gold. Many have been victimized with Infatuation. People think they are madly in love and would do anything and even face death for the person they think they are in love with, but then they come to horrendous realizations that they are just overly infatuated and blinded with the person’s perfection they thought existed.

I have read in an article that when you think a person is perfectly perfect, without flaws even and much like a god or a goddess, and you get attracted to that idyllic perfection, then it is not love, but swindling infatuation.

Infatuation means being mesmerized and absolutely fascinated with someone’s “perfection”. In the Oxford dictionary, it means “an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something”. In turn, that is NOT what loving means for loving, as stated in Shakespeare’s sonnet once more, is steadfast and not short-lived. You love a person all the more his shortcomings and not because you think he is perfect.

That is why, when we get attracted to superstars, we only are merely infatuated because we barely even know who they truly are. We only see what the filtered cameras make us see and believe. I am not saying it could not happen, but most times, it is only a shout to an empty, shallow void. Much like me with Harry Edward Styles or Bradley Will Simpson. I convince myself I love them, but something just feels to be lacking.

 Love is Not Classroom Stuff

In “Love is a Fallacy”, the author, Max Schulman made love appear as an instrument for logical arguments. In the latter part of the story, it was proven that Love is illogical and unfit to be controlled through bare knowledge. Schulman presented an intellectual and possibly vain aura to his law student main character that tried to manipulate how love works. The main character experimented with Love and tried to force it to happen. He set aside the heart and let the mind do all the magic. In the end, he failed and got his heart broken to pieces.

That is what happens when you play with Love. You get crushed and end up in tears. To begin with, Love should not be considered as a game at all, much worse, a game of intellect. You cannot teach and force love to another person, you let the person learn it himself. There are no formulas for Love and God knows it is harder than all mathematical equations combined. You can, but should not force yourself to love someone or someone to love you. When you mess with Love, it messes with you in return, only this time, it will take more of what you did. Let love happen when it happens at the right time and place. You can take risks and make your moves, but never pressurize it.

What We Believe

Four myths about Love were alluded to in the article “Love’s Pain is Its Own Redemption”: (1) Love is destined, (2) Love at first sight, (3) Love is blind, (4) First love never dies.

I do believe love and destiny has something to do with one another. All those “matched in heaven” and “meant to be” factors might sound so pretentious, but they make perfect sense to me. Love takes time and happens when it happens. Love is love when you let it ride its rightful course without forcing it and hurrying things up. Waiting might be boring and dull plus all these “YOLO” and “Carpe Diem” brouhahas are fiddling over our decisions, but when you wait for the right one, everything will be worth it. That is when you will find the gold at the end of the rainbow- happiness and contentment; just like what they always say, “Good things come to those who wait.”

Believing that two people are meant to be with each other might sound foolish, but everything in this world is when it comes to Love. If you are truly meant for someone, it will happen no matter what instances occur. You know life takes us to places and I do believe that it takes us to where we should be; meeting the right people and doing the exact things we should. Everything happens for a reason, and destiny, with all its power, works its way in it. We often have no clue where we started or where we are heading. We take too many detours, but when it is really for us, we end up just there, just as where there is an X mark.

With the next three statements, they are myths to me. Love does not happen as instant as the first time you look at a person. It would mean you are attracted to their appearance, but not love them entirely. Love may be crazy, but it is not blind. They say that if you love someone, you cannot see any faults in that person, but that just leads us back to the concept of infatuation.

 Twofold Effect

Coupled with the word Love is another word I cannot quite define. With Love, there is always Pain. Why do people get hurt when they Love? First, Love is not always mutual. We often choose the wrong people to love and so, we get hurt and get stabbed right in the arteries. One-sided love situations are always the hardest to watch.

Another reason why pain is present is when we measure the Love we get. Often times, one exerts so much effort and gets attached more than the other. One of you just does not care AS MUCH. “You don’t love me as much as I love you.” That is when it hurts so badly. We tend to seek the amount of Love we think we deserve and need. Sometimes, we expect too much from the people we love, but when we do not get what we wanted, we endure.

When you love too much, it becomes painful because how much love we give is not equal to the love we get. Love is not weighed on weighing scales to measure whether who loves who the most, but we could not get that out of our mentality, thus we get hurt. Between two people, one is happy while the other one is soaked in tears.

There is pain when we see the person we love in pain. “I am broken because you are”. When we love, we hate seeing the people we love go through problems. We feel as if they need us and when we could not do anything in aid of them, we get hurt.

People always ask, “ Why am I hurting? I did nothing but love.” That is it exactly. Exactly we get hurt because we fell in love. We loved not because we wanted to be hurt, but it is simply inevitable. We always get hurt when we love. For some, they get hurt that is why they love. Painful, is it not?

 The Million-Dollar Question

What is love?

Love is when you feel happy, confused, sad, entranced, bewitched and jumpy all at once. It is when you cannot control your movements even though you think you are perfectly fine. No, it is not insanity, but Love is when you feel like you have gone insane for that one person. Love is when you stay up until 2 am writing a 24-paged poem without caring a bit if you have a 7 am PE class the next day. Love is when you use up an entire post it memo pad writing random, encouragement notes and leave it at your best friend’s bed so when she wakes up, she would feel relieved from a very depressing night. Love is when it is pouring hard, you get all soaked up, but instead of thinking about yourself, you text the person you love if he is fine. Love is when you text and call your mom a hundred times over even if you still have so much to do just to make sure that she is fine and made it home okay. Love is when you make time for the people you love even on your busiest days. Love is when you think you could kill and die for people without thinking about the consequences it will do to you. Love is sacrificial and selfless. Love keeps people alive and is what gives people a reason to wake up every single day. Just Love.

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Pray

I was sorting out my book shelves and found the old prayer book I got back in third grade.

( Ahhhhhh the memories are all coming back. Third grade was when we had our first communion. We practiced over and over and over and over until our throats hurt from singing church songs, our feet shaky from standing and walking around, our taste buds tired of eggnogs, which were used as substitutes for the Holy Host. Our adviser, including the Sisters, wanted everything to be perfect. They wanted us to be ready as ever because they believed that we’re about to do something very special. Although by then, my classmates and I didn’t know the reason of being excited about a piece of bread. Well of course, it wasn’t just a piece of bread.)

After all the scanning, I found myself astounded (as always)

In the prayer book, there was a blank page intended for a personal prayer. And back in 2006, I decided to write my own prayer. I have re-read it over and over and until now; I’m still amazed with how everything turned out to be.

My prayer was only a single sentence and it goes like this:

image

“Lord, Sana po maging first honor naman ako, kahit isang time lang at huwag niyo po kaming pababayan. Amen.”

I must admit, it was kinda egotistic of me.  Those were the days when I wanted to prove myself so bad to everyone. Those were the days when I settled for being a loser nobody cared about. I couldn’t figure out anything about life then. Maybe because I was only a kid (an emotional one I guess). Yes, had tons of dramas in my life and it shows.

My prayer eventually came true. I only asked God to help me become top one of our batch for just one time, but he granted it for 17 consecutive grading periods including high school graduation. Until now, I could not believe what happened. There are moments when I feel like I am not worthy and deserving of all the blessings I have received. I try to question myself, ‘What have I ever done to be loved by God like this and this much?”. I guess that’s how God works. We ask and he gives us more than what we ask for. I told my parents about it and made them read my prayer I wrote 9 years ago. All they could do was smile and they looked a bit teary-eyed.

The things prayer could do to a person is just unimaginable. Along the way, I have never forgotten the value of prayer and the belief that God’s goodness is always overpouring. God will always be there and hear me. This brought me to the deeper and better understanding of my faith. Every single blessing I enjoy right now is all because I let God enter into my life. I always knew God loves me, but I never knew he loves me that much. I am His and will always be.

Still Fragments

H: Was that you I saw? You said ‘hi’ ?

M: Yes. I thought you didn’t notice.

H: I guess we did meet after all for just half a second or so. We’ve missed out on each other so much.

M: It’s better than not at all, don’t you think?

H: No, not really. I’d prefer not seeing you completely than seeing you for a bit and end up thinking about what we could have talked about- what I could have fixed. Much worse, I ended up thinking about you all day.  

M: …

You forgot, didn’t you?

It’s the line we drew that we need to keep running                                  

and it’s the fragment we wrote that we don’t have to finish.               

                         

THE LAMENT OF THE UNORTHODOXY

I never knew love could be this damaging.

It knows that pain is destroying me and stabbing me. It knows how I suffocate myself with fear and dreadful unrest and yet it does nothing to save me. It’s just there laughing and watching me burn myself to death. It’s unfair you know? All I did was let my heart beat and my world’s already gone mad.

I guess this is what I have become- a complete psycho who blames everything at love, acting like it isn’t a goddamn fallacy.  Truth is, I never did believe in it until his words crept into my head, until those euphonious, haunting sounds talked to me. The irony is there too. I try so hard to be blinded and oblivious to the hurtful truth even though I am well aware that this love will forever be unrequited. Maybe forever does exist, but this kind of forever is the kind I never wanted.

And you, you are so close yet it feels like the distance between us is one we’ll never be able to conquer. Being in the same room as you are felt like hell. I try to run away from these emotions, but these feelings, it seemed, could never be deleted.

I wish that that was all, but the torment doesn’t stop there. I hope you know it’s painful when the person you love can never love you back the same way you do; when that one person you want wants another. That girl you’re talking about, she is very lucky to be loved by you and I hope she knows that. I hope she loves you back because she means the most to the person who means the world to me.

Sometimes I wish to just be deaf because I am tortured with what I hear. I can hear my heart beating for you, but I can’t hear yours beat for me.